Will one ever be enough???

This blog is probably 100% politically, morally, ethically, everything, incorrect. But I am putting it out there anyway.

Today I stopped and I thought I really feel sad for those who don't have children.

Whether you have 1 child, 2, 3, 5, 8. It doesn't matter, because you know what. Being a mother to any number of children. Is spectacular. Motherhood, parenthood, is the most amazing, most humorous, most frustrating, most unknown adventure you will ever have. I am realist and I know that it's not always spectacular and sometimes being a mum is the hardest, most stressful and heaviest burden that any one can carry.

If you spent years trying to conceive, if you conceived through IVF, you adopted or fostered or if it took one night when the condom accidentally broke, or if you planned for months in advance. It doesn't matter. Because you now have the most amazing gift. A child. A gift that will repay you with unconditional love for the rest of your life.

Yes I acknowledge that sometimes this adventure is nothing like you expected. There will be tears, spilt milk, moments of "I don't like it", or "I hate you" or "I want my daddy" there will be crayon on the walls, poo smeared all over the bedroom, vomit all over your car, nights of late night phone calls because of too much alcohol, boyfriends or girlfriends. Dodgy school reports, suspensions, expulsions, drugs and possibly jail.  Life with a child or many children will bring challenges. But I can guarantee you 150% that life with a child will ALWAYS bring you love.

I don't care if you bottle or breast feed. If you used cloth or disposable. If you use controlled crying or self soothing or if you rock that child to sleep until they are 10. What I think is important, is that you have love and that you believe you are doing the best job that you can for this moment.

I had a brilliant water birth, over and done with in 6 hours. Easy. Now I know birth isn't like that for everyone but it was for me. Pregnancy on the other hand was a living nightmare, of vomiting, heartburn, fatness and general discomfort and add in some Townsville summer heat. But Birth I loved. 1 hour after Miss 2.5 was born I looked at my midwife and I said I'd do that again and she laughed.

Miss 2.5 was an angel baby. From day 1 she only fed once during the night and from 6 weeks she slept 12 hours straight. She was so easy, I thought I was going to breeze through it. Until 7.5 months. When TEETHING hit. Suddenly my wonderful sleeper turned into a nightmare. She wouldn't go to sleep without being rocked (which continued until almost 2). She might have had 40mins during the day (day naps stopped by 2). Then she was walking at 9 months and life turned crazy. She just never stopped. She would chase the dog around, pull her ears, pull her tongue. She would climb over tables, pull drawers off their hinges. And I tell you at 2.5 she still hasn't stopped. She has 3 days at day care while I work and on Wednesdays when I pick her the room leader says to me " I don't know how you do it, she never stops". But if someone asks me what sort of baby she was, the first thing I say was. Oh she was an easy baby. Why??? Because I've chosen to relive the good stuff and attempt to block those crazy nights out of my living memory.

After my husband left Miss A and I just over 12 months ago. I felt disheartened, distraught, angry and devastated. Ever since I was a young girl, all through my teens and right into my 20's. I was sure that I was going to have a big family. With lots of kids. I wanted 6 but realistically I knew that was probably a little extreme. So I had decided 4 was good for us. Then when he left us, it hit me. I may never have another child ever again. I am 27 and my good baby making days are still ahead of me and that opportunity has been ripped out from under me. I have spent months and months crying and complaining over this. Why is he allowed to ruin my dream of motherhood? Why with his selfish decisions should I give up my life of a big family with lots of "amazing births" and crazy child rearing years. Why should he get to decide that?

Most of my friends who were pregnant when I was with Miss A or who I met through playgroups etc have gone on to have second children. And many of my friends are now falling pregnant with their first babies. I will be the first to admit that every time I hear someone else say they are pregnant, or every time I see or hold a new baby. My heart aches. I get a twinge of jealousy. A twinge of bitterness towards that person. I hate myself for saying that. Its totally selfish. But then my mamma bear clucky hen nature takes over and I shower my friends in gifts beyond gifts, hand me downs, and smother their baby in love and cuddles.

Recently I stopped and I looked at Miss A who is now 2.5 and is incredible. (I am biased I know that). When anyone compliments her on her manners or mentions how cute she is, I feel so proud. So unbelievably proud that she is my baby. She makes me laugh and she makes me cry and she can be so frustrating and make me so angry sometimes. But I constantly stop myself and look at her and realise that she is the most amazing thing that has ever happened in my life. She makes my heart ache with love. She makes me want to share her with the whole world. Brag about everything she ever does. She is my life and honestly, I stopped and I thought.....

If I never have another child again, I don't want her to feel like she was never enough for me. And she's not. I realised that. She makes my life complete. And no matter how cheesy or how silly that sounds. It's true. Without her my life would not be the same.

So if I never have another child again, I won't be sad and I won't be angry. Because I will pour my love into one child and I have been blessed with her and that's enough me.

Don't wish away your life for what you thought you might have. Love what's in front of you. xxx